The Place For My Writers Notes

Original posting 20 November 1993

In case you're wondering, this is NOT directly relevant to writing. I hope it may provide some background and useful information for us all.

Whether you agree with these guidelines or not, I hope you'll take the time to read and think about them. Verbal aggression and flame wars are far too common - and we all lose because of it.

This is an excerpt of p. 284-292 from the book:

GENDERSPEAK: Men, Women, and the Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense
Suzette Haden Elgin, Ph.D.
John Wiley and Sons, Inc. 1993

Dr. Elgin has given permission for me to copy this for our workshop.
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The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense: An Overview

Just as there is a grammar of English for such things as word endings and the order of words in sentences, there's a grammar of English for verbal violence and verbal self-defense. All native speakers of English know this grammar flawlessly, although many factors - stress, nervousness, illness, lack of time, and the like - interfere with their demonstration of that flawless knowledge. The problem is that the information is not available at a level of conscious awareness, and people therefore cannot conveniently make use of it. The _Gentle Art_ system is designed to help correct this problem and to make it clear that every human being is an expert in the use of his or her language.

When you use this system for verbal self-defense, you won't be restricted to sarcastic comebacks and counterattacks. Instead, you will be able to create for yourself a language environment in which such confrontations will be very _rare_. And when they do occur you will be able to deal with them quickly and competently, with no sacrifice of your own self-respect, and with no loss of face on either side of the interaction.

This is a brief overview of the basic concepts of the system, together with three examples of techniques for putting it to use. (For more detailed information about these and other techniques, please refer to the books, tapes, and videos in the _Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense_ series.)

Reference Items

The Four Basic Principles

1.  ONE: Know that you are under attack.
2. TWO: Know what kind of attack you are facing.
3.  THREE: Know how to make your defense fit the attack.
4. FOUR: Know how to follow through.

The first principle is important - because many verbal victims are not aware that they are victims. Typically, they feel miserable but they don't know why, and they tend to blame not those who abuse them but themselves. For English, the most important clue for knowing that verbal attack is taking place is not the words being said but the intonation of the voice that's saying them - the "tune" the words are set to.

The second and third principles work together to help you tailor your responses. When you learn to recognize language behavior modes (like the Sensory and Satir Modes described below) and to construct responses based on rules for their use, you are applying these two principles.

The fourth principle is often the hardest. There are two barriers to its use:

1. The idea that if you don't participate in the power game of verbal use you're letting the abuser "get away with it"
2. The problem of feeling guilty about defending yourself (especially common among women)

Both of these barriers are based on misconceptions. When you play the role of victim in verbal confrontations, you're training your attacker to be a more skilled verbal abuser - you're providing the attacker with practice and encouragement. That's not kind or nurturing. And when you allow someone to involve you in verbal violence, _that_ - not the words said - is letting the person get away with it. (We'll come back to this point later, in the section on Verbal Attack Patterns.)

Consider the principle that I call Miller's Law:

In order to understand what another person is saying, you must assume that it is true and try to imagine what it could be true of. (George Miller, 1980)

Notice that you don't have to _accept_ that it's true - just assume, for purposes of discussion, that it is. And ask yourself what it could be true _of_. Often what we do is use a kind of "Miller's-Law-in-Reverse," where we assume that what's being said is _false_ and then we try to imagine what could be wrong with _the person speaking_ to make them say something so outrageous. This guarantees communication breakdown; apply Miller's Law instead.

Syntonics. Syntonics, in the _Gentle Art_ system, is the science of _language harmony_.

The name is taken from the term "syntonic," used in radio telegraphy to describe two radio sets sufficiently well tuned to one another to allow the efficient and the effective transmission of information. When people attempt to communicate with each other, they need to try for a similar syntonic state. When the speaker is using Channel 6 and the listener is using Channel 11, communication is sure to fail. The _Gentle Art_ techniques provide you with methods for making sure that speaker and listener are on the same channel and are syntonic.

Presupposition. A presupposition is anything that a native speaker of a language knows is part of the meaning of a sequence of that language even when it does not appear on the surface of the sequence.

For example: Every native speaker of English knows that the meaning of the sentence "EVen JOHN could pass THAT course!" includes two more propositions saying that the class is somehow second-rate and so is John. The sentence means: "Even John (who, as everybody knows, is no great shakes as a student) could pass that course (which, as everybody knows, is really trivial)." But the negative comments about John and the course are not there in the surface structure of the sentence: _They are presupposed_. Most verbal attacks, with the exception of the very crudest ones, are at least partly hidden away in presuppositions.

First Technique - Using the Sensory Modes

Human beings can't survive without information. We need data from the outside environment and from our bodies; we need data from other human beings and living creatures. Without a system for _managing_ all this data, it would be impossible to deal with. Information that's coming in has to be processed. It must be selected, and (if possible) understood; then it must be either discarded, or indexed for storage in memory. Information going out has to be processed also, so that it can be expressed for other people to understand. Our primary tool for this processing is the set of sensory _systems_ - sight and hearing and touch, taste and smell, etc.

Each of us has a preferred sensory system that we find easiest to use, and that helps us the most in understanding and remembering. And when we express ourselves we often demonstrate that preference by using one of the language behavior modes called Sensory Modes. Like this -

SIGHT: "I really like the way this looks."
HEARING: "This just sounds great to me."
TOUCH: "I really feel good about this."
SMELL: "This whole plan smells fishy to me."
TASTE: "This leaves an awful taste in my mouth."

People who hear you matching their preferred Sensory Modes are more likely to trust you and to listen to what you say. They think of you as someone who speaks their language and shares their perceptions. This is the easiest of all the _Gentle Art_ techniques, and one that you can put to use immediately.

Under normal circumstances, people can switch from one Sensory Mode to another without any difficulty. But when they're under stress they tend to get locked in to their preferred Mode. The more upset they are, the more trouble they will have understanding communication in other Sensory Modes, and the more trouble they will have using other Sensory Modes to express themselves. In such situations, you will improve communication dramatically if you _match_ the Sensory Mode the other person is using.

You'll have no trouble identifying the Sensory Mode coming at you. Any fluent speaker of English does that _automatically_. You can then tailor your own responses for maximum efficiency and effectiveness by following two simple rules:

RULE ONE: Match the Sensory Mode coming at you.
RULE TWO: If you can't follow rule one, use no sensory mode language at all.

For example: asked "How does the new paint job look?", use Rule One and say "The way I see it, it's beautifully done"; or use Rule Two and say "I think it's beautifully done." Rule Two doesn't give you the same advantages as Rule One, but it's a _neutral_ alternative.

Second Technique - Using the Satir Modes

Dr. Virginia Satir was a world-famous family therapist. As she worked with clients, she noticed that the language behavior of people under stress tends to fall into one of the following five categories, which we call the _Satir Modes_.

Blaming:

"WHY don't you ever think about anybody ELSE's feelings? DON'T you have ANY consideration for other people at ALL?"

Placating:

"Oh, YOU know how I am! Shoot - whatever YOU want to do is okay with ME!"

Computing:

"There is undoubtedly a good reason for this delay. No sensible person would be upset."

Distracting:

"WHAT IS THE MATTER with you, ANYway? Not that_I_ care! YOU know me - I can put up with ANYthing! However, common sense would indicate that the original agreement should be followed. And I am really FED UP with this garbage!!"

Leveling:

"I like you. But I don't like your methods."

Each of the Satir Modes has a characteristic style of body language. Blamers shake their fists or their index fingers; they scowl and frown and loom over people. Placaters cling and fidget and lean on others. Computers are stiff and rigid, moving as little as possible. Distractors cycle through the other Modes with their bodies just as they do with their words. THe body language of Levelers is distinguished by the absence of these other patterns, and by the fact that it's not in conflict with their words.

The first four Satir Modes are examples of the lack of a _personal_ syntonic state. People use Blamer Mode because they are insecure and afraid that nobody will respect or obey them. People use Placater Mode - saying that they don't care - because they care so very much. They use Computer Mode - saying "I have no emotions" - because they are aware of an emotion they actually feel and are unwilling to let it show. Distracter Mode cycles through all of these states of mismatch and expresses panic. Only with Leveler Mode (or with Computer Mode used deliberately for strategic reasons) do you have a syntonic state. To the extent that they are capable of accurately judging their own feelings, people using Leveler Mode use words and body language that match those feelings.

As with the Sensory Modes, people can ordinary switch from one Satir Mode to the other, but they tend to become locked in to preferred Satir Modes in situations of tension and stress. The rules for using the Satir Modes are based on the same metaprinciple as those for using the Sensory Modes: ANYTHING YOU FEED WILL GROW. All language interactions are _feedback loops_. When you match a language pattern coming at you, you feed it and it escalates. The difference between the two techniques is that it's always a good thing to match another person's Sensory Mode - because increasing the level of trust and rapport is always a good thing - but you should only match a Satir Mode if you _want_ the behavior it produces to grow. Here are the results you can expect from feeding the Satir Modes:

BLAMING AT A BLAMER causes fights and scenes.
PLACATING AT A PLACATER causes undignified delay.
COMPUTING AT A COMPUTER causes dignified delay.
DISTRACTING AT A DISTRACTER is panic feeding panic.
LEVELING AT A LEVELER means an exchange of the simple truth, going both ways.

In any language interaction, once you've recognized the Satir Mode coming at you, you have to choose your response. You make your choice based on the situation, on what you know about the other person, and on your own communication goals. Hare are the two rules you need:

RULE ONE: If you don't know what to do, use Computer Mode.
RULE TWO: If it would be desirable for the Satir Mode coming at you to escalate, match that mode.

Third Technique: Recognizing and Responding to the Verbal Attack Patterns of English

Many people don't realize that they are verbal victims because the verbal abuse they're subjected to isn't _openly_ abusive. Most verbal abusers don't just spit out curses and insults. (That sort of behavior is usually part of a pattern of _physical_ abuse.) Instead, they rely heavily on the set of verbal attack patterns (VAPs) that are part of the grammar of English verbal violence. These patterns are just as dangerous as shouted obscenitities, but much more subtle.

The attack patterns discussed below have two parts. There is the BAIT, which the attacker expects you to respond to. It's easy to recognize, because it's the part that _hurts_. And then there is the attack that matters, which is usually hidden away in the form of one or more presuppositions. Here's an example:

"If you REALLY loved me, YOU wouldn't waste MONEY the way you do!"

The bait is the part about wasting money; it's what your attacker expects you to respond to. You're expected to take the bait and say, "What do you MEAN, I waste money! I DO NOT!" And then you're off to a flaming row, with is a poor way to handle the situation. The important part of the attack is not the bait, but the presupposition at the beginning - "YOU DON'T REALLY LOVE ME." Instead of taking the bait, respond directly to that presupposed attack. Say:

"When did you start thinking that I don't really love you?"
-or-
"Of _course_ I love you!"

This is not what the attacker expects, and it will short-ciruit the confrontation.

Here are some other examples of English VAPs.

"If you REALLY wanted me to get good grades, YOU'D buy me a comPUTer like all the OTHER kids have got!"

"A person who REALLY cared about his health wouldn't WANT to smoke!"

"DON'T you even CARE if the neighbors are all LAUGHING AT US?"

"Even a woman YOUR age should be able to cook LUNCH!"

"Everybody underSTANDS why you're so TOUCHY, dear!"

"WHY don't you ever LISTEN to me when I talk to you?"

"YOU'RE not the ONly person with PROBlems, you know!"

"You could at LEAST get to WORK on time!"

"EVEN if you DO forget my birthday, I'LL still love you!"

It's important to realize that what makes these examples attacks is not the words they contain. For English, more than half of the information is not in the words but in the body language, including the intonation of the voice. To recognize a verbal attack, you have to pay attention to the intonation - the melody of the voice - that goes _with_ the words. Any time you hear a lot of extra stresses and emphasis on words or parts of words, you should be on the alert. THERE IS NO MORE IMPORTANT CUE TO RECOGNIZING VERBAL ATTACKS THAN ABNORMAL STRESS PATTERNS. The sentence, "Why do you eat so much junk food?" may be very rude and unkind, but it's not a verbal attack. The attack that goes with those words sounds like this: "WHY do you eat SO MUCH JUNK food?"

In dealing with verbal attack patterns, you have three rules to follow:

RULE ONE: Ignore the bait.
RULE TWO: Respond directly to a presupposition.
RULE THREE: No matter what else you do, say something that transmits this message: "You're wasting your time trying that with me. I won't play that game."

Nobody can carry on a verbal attack alone. It takes two people - one to be the attacker, and one to be the victim. People who use verbal abuse do so because they want the fight or the scene - they want your _attention_ - and they enjoy the havoc they create. When you take the bait in their attacks and go along with their plans, you're not showing them how strong and assertive you are, you are giving them _exactly what they want_. The more you do that, the worse the situation will get. EVERY TIME YOU TAKE THE BAIT IN A VERBAL ATTACK, YOU ARE PARTICIPATING IN A SELF-REINFORCING FEEDBACK LOOP.

Instead of doing that, use this third technique and break out of the loop. That's not "letting them get away with it." Letting them sucker you into an ugly row, giving them your attention on demand, playing verbal victim for them: _That_ is letting them get away with it.

It's not true that victims of verbal abuse are helpless to protect themselves or that their only defense is to be even more abusive than the attacker. It's not true that verbal abusers can't change their language behavior, or that doing so will mean sacrificing their self-respect. The _Gentle Art_ system is a practical method for tackling the problems of everyone involved in verbal abuse - attackers, victims, and innocent bystanders - with no loss of face or sacrifice of principle. Pollution in the language environment is just as dangerous to health and well-being as pollution in the physical environment; the _Gentle Art_ system is a solution that _everyone_ can put to immediate and effective use.

Suzette Haden Elgin, Ph.D.

For more techniques in the _Gentle Art_ system (and detailed discussion of those introduced above), see any of the materials in the series. For additional information, write directly to Dr. Elgin at the Ozark Center for Language Studies, P.O. Box 1137, Huntsville, AR 72740.

Original posting: Sat, 16 Oct 1993 18:00:04 JST

[These are my notes about a book that impressed me very much. While some parts are a bit disjointed and lengthy as a result, I hope you'll take the time to look at some of the tools and bits and pieces I collected, then read the book. I expect to read it several times.]

GENDERSPEAK: Men, Women, and the Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense
Suzette Haden Elgin, Ph.D.
John Wiley and Sons, Inc. 1993

Not long ago someone asked about books that inspire us. I would like to add this one to that list.

Despite the title, at base this is not a book about sexism. Instead, it is a remarkably clear and well-thought out approach to using linguistic tools, specifically in response to verbal aggression. The examples are oriented towards some of the currently popular sexual interactions, but the tools are not.

Frankly, I strongly recommend this book for two reasons. One is to learn to recognize and deal with verbal aggression (maybe we can cut down on the flame wars!). The other is that your stories will profit - you will understand better what verbal aggression is, how to portray it, and how to make it real for your readers. Think of it as a graduate course in dialogue writing.

A key part of the book is a continuing scenario, providing a "real life" background for the points discussed, and many sample dialogues and examples. One way anyone could use the book in their writing is to take one of the examples and expand on it, build the scene and the characters into a fuller exercise.

Some tools from the book... for details and additional material, read the book! (Dr. Elgin has given permission for me to summarize the book and excerpt several sections for our workshop.)

1. Miller's Law

Miller's Law (paraphrased) To understand what someone says, assume it is true, then try to imagine what would make it true.

(in other words, start with the assumption that the other speaker is making a rational statement from their point of view - then figure out what that point of view is).

This is the key point which is so often lost in conversations, especially angry ones. The other person (or persons) believes that they are making sensible statements. To understand them, try to figure out what assumptions, conditions, background, etc. would make the statements true.

2. Reality gaps and Semantic Features

Reality gaps are the "holes" between two (or more) people's use of a word. Semantic features are characteristics associated with a term - the shape of the pigeonhole, if you will. To deal with reality gaps, identify the semantic features being used by each. Then focus on the difference.

For example, studies have shown that American Middle-class English (AME) speakers have the following semantic features for violence - force, intense, deliberate, and negative. However, most male speakers add the semantic feature avoidable, while most female speakers add the semantic feature harmful.

This implies that while often there will be agreement about something being violent, at times something will fall in the gap. For example, a man might see something as nonviolent because it was unavoidable, while a woman looks at the same action and considers it violent and harmful. Arguing over whether the action was REALLY violent or not may simply result in frustration.

Another word which seems to have sex-related sets of semantic features include games (and related terms). Most AME women add the feature "trivial." Similarly, "lie", for AME men, includes the feature "harmful," although most women do not include this feature.

Thus, for example, joking about a topic for men ordinarily does NOT mean it is unimportant, even while many women feel joking trivializes an important subject. Or men will happily discuss a business strategy based on "shading the truth" while the women gasp at such blatant "lying."

Another key to handling these gaps is focusing on reality statements - X is a ...; You see X when ...; X results from ...; X causes ...; objective, externally verifiable statements.

When someone who is normally sane suddenly seems to be talking nonsense - check for reality gaps.

3. Presuppositions and "trojan horse" words

Language contains many hidden presuppositions. Some of the words embodying these are "trojan horses". E.g., "admit" presupposes unsavory, illegal, immoral, etc. "manage to" presupposes machiavellian contortions and lengthy work to make the result happen. "humoring" presupposes that the action being referred to is childish.

Thus, "why don't you admit you're wrong?" is an invitation to mayhem. "How did you manage that?" summons the ghost of Moriarty and Machiavelli. "Just humor him" is a reasonable way to handle some of my outbursts... but many people aren't happy being relegated to the playroom again.

4. Body Language

"Any words can have their meaning cancelled by body language - but not vice versa." p. 63

Rapport - a much misused term. part of it is body language, which includes and is perhaps expressed best in tone of voice. Note: the AME admired pitch is low, rich, clear, without much "dynamism" in terms of fast, wide changes in pitch. This almost automatically is biased against female speakers, unless they are careful.

Can we improve body language skills (including tone of voice)? Yes. First, pay attention - observe what is going on at this level. Learn the baseline for an individual, and watch for deviations that indicate stress. Second, to improve performance skills, try simultaneous modelling - repeat together with model (voice, actions, etc.) Experimentation has shown that simultaneous modelling is more effective than other methods (e.g. repeat after the model).

"When words ... and body language don't match, believe the body." p.72

Some "power plays" in speaking

1. pause (to smoke, etc.) in midsentence.
2. interrupting the speaker
3. aggressive comments about behavior
4. open commands
5. eye contact
6. relax, arms crossed, deliberate voice (presumptive victor?)

Note that the body language of language as sport is quite different from the body language of language as combat, although there are relationships.

"Women (and children of both genders) dislike male verbal teasing intensely." p. 77

[I would be happy for anyone to explain this a little bit more to me - I have the feeling I'm guilty...]

One form of aggression - talking about someone as if they were not present. This is often used with elderly and children.

5. Satir Modes

Satir Modes - when tense, most people "lock" into one of these modes of exchange.

1. Blame - hostility, anger, heavy use of personal pronouns (I, you), strong stresses, heavy use of absolutes, body threats (this mode tends to be used by dominants - while words and body language indicate power, the core of this mode is often weakness)
2. Placate - please?, heavy use of personal pronouns (tends to be used by subordinates - while words and body language indicate that I don't care, the core of this mode is often excessive caring)
3. Compute - flat, abstract, neutral (overtly lacking in emotion, actually hiding emotion)
4. Distract - cycles through other modes (overtly lots to say, actually panicking)
5. Level - null, simple interaction (words, body language, and core in harmony)

Principle - anything you feed will grow. So once you have identified the Satir mode you are dealing with, if you like it, match it - if you want to reduce, use compute mode. E.g., if you want to really have a fight when someone blames you, blame them back. Otherwise go to cold, impersonal rationality and most people will shift.

6. Sensory Modes

Sensory modes - tension again locks most people in their "preferred mode". The three main modes are:

1. Sight - I see what you mean, etc.
2. Hearing - Could you tell me...
3. Touch - I don't feel it yet...

The best response to sensory modes is either to match that in use (thus giving yourself the extra authority of "speaking their language") or use neutral terms.

7. Speech Acts

Speech Acts - speech consists of content plus act (command, promise, etc.) Some of the tension that arises in communications comes from

1. misperceived act
2. reaction to act instead of content (e.g. most Americans will react strongly to a command, no matter what the content is)
3. doubt about either the speaker or the utterance (mistrust)

Complaints are inherently problems for two reasons. First, they imply that the behavior is wrong. Second, they are seen as an implicit (if not explicit) command to change.

In place of complaints, Dr. Elgin recommends the three part message. Simply fill in the blanks in "When you X, I feel Y, because Z." X, Y, and Z should be as objective, observable, and verifiable as possible. Y, the "feeling" part of the message, may be hard to make objective, but it should be appropriate, something that others would also feel, and match the body language. Z should always be a real world consequence.

8. Metaphor

p. 146 Metaphor, to the linguist, is "any use of language for comparing two different things on the basis of characteristics they share."

Also, "Metaphor is the most powerful device available to us for changing people's attitudes quickly, effectively, and lastingly."

When a single metaphor permeates a culture or group, we talk of a "unifying metaphor." There are three possible situations:

1. We all speak the same language (everyone shares the metaphor)
2. We all speak the same language, except for ffff. (aware and alert to the fact that someone doesn't share the metaphor - usually willing to translate or help when they have trouble)
3. We all speak the same language, but some of us are nuts (some lack the metaphor, but it is not recognized)

One of the critical metaphor mismatches in AME situations is "Football Game" vs "Schoolroom".

Some other popular metaphors - the happy family, a proud ship sailing, the old west, the old south.

A metaphor is a model of reality, a perceptual filter that shapes how we interpret whatever we are experiencing.

When someone acts in a way which is incomprehensible to us, assume that they are acting truthfully, and try to determine what metaphoric filter they are using. E.g., when an explanation of a business strategy (good gamesmanship being to deceive) causes a horrified response of "You're LYING," perhaps the other person is using the "Schoolroom" filter, where anything that is not true is automatically a lie, punishable by being sent to the corner or even to the principal.

One way to discover metaphoric filters is called semantic modulation. Step one - assume truth, and identify the behavior that is of concern. Put this half of the metaphor in a sentence "An X is Y", with X being the behavior or element that is of concern. Step two - define situationally important characteristics of X. List a number of important characteristics that X has in this situation. Step three - identify what else, known to the other person and consistent with their observed actions, has these characteristics.

[my gloss - you can check your deduction one of two ways. Either make some predictions based on the metaphor you have developed and see if they hold true or ask some people who seem to be using the metaphor.]

9. Language as Traffic - and the Rules of the Road

p. 164 A metaphor that is very helpful is "Language is Traffic." Part of the impact of that metaphor is recognition that there are rules, just as there are for road traffic. Some of these include the need for a topic; not interrupting or cutting in; slowing down, stopping, and yielding to other "drivers"; not changing the topic without signalling; and taking turns instead of blocking.

For many people, talk is POWER, and they deliberately violate traffic rules to establish their power. However, there are also many violations due to ignorance.

The Model Conversation (AME version)

1. A introduces topic, talks three sentences. Others listen.
2. B requests turn (eye contact). A gives it.
3. B talks 3 sentences. Offers turn to C (eye contact). If refused, offers to A.
4. Repeat, until all have had turn or refused it.
5. Whoever has current turn raises new topic, and repeat.
6. If there is an emergency - apologize and explain

Only four skills are needed to be "good conversationalists."

1. Introduce topic - not boring, not offensive
2. Support of others

a. continue (expand, compare, contrast, etc.)
b. link to new topic
c. close old topic and start new topic

3. Turn management

how to get a turn, keep it, pass the "speaker's baton", accept the "baton", and refuse it. The key methods are eye contact, stopping (pause control), and using names.

4. Emergency handling

"sorry to interrupt, but..."

Listen!

1. Don't wait for chance to talk
2. Don't let your mind wander
3. Don't double guess
4. Don't reject beforehand
5. Don't rehearse what you are going to say
6. Don't do other work

10. Verbal Attack Patterns (VAPs)

[note: this section has numerous examples. you can also analyze our interactions in these terms. be warned! analysis of our interactions can be depressing.]

p. 186
Verbal Attack Patterns (VAPs)
two parts

bait - intended to cause hurt and/or anger
the (hidden) attack via presupposition

e.g. if you A, you wouldn't B all the time.

bait - you B all the time (open attack)
presupposed - you don't A (hidden attack)

Attacker expects action chains

Attacker VAPs victim
Victim responds to bait directly, emotionally
volley continues

Best way to handle

1. Ignore the bait
2. Respond to the presupposition, the hidden attack

When did you start to think I don't A?

3. Make sure your response always carries the message "I WON'T PLAY"

Often VAPer goes back to bait, tries to return to expected action chain
Best response - Boring Baroque Response
Their question always asks for information - give it to them, at length.
"I think it all started one friday, or maybe it was a wednesday, when I - no, it must have been a monday, I had..."

Some other responses
Agree with vacuous presuppositions
"If you were a friend of mine,..."
"Well, isn't it good that I'm not your friend"

Offer to go along
"You never X..."
"Let's go X"

<NOTE: Guidelines for Avoiding Sexual Harassment will be presented in full at a later date.>

11. Intimate Relations

A myth of relationships - Tender Telepathy

1. People who really love each other don't need to talk, they just know
2. If one person wants something and the other would be willing if they knew it - the other not doing it unless asked must be a power play
3. If one has to ask, doing it doesn't count
4. 2 and 3 imply the other doesn't really love

Answer - toss the myth and ask. in most cases, the problem is ignorance, not malice.

Note: requests can be a problem - since they are so close to commands.
one way to smooth the path - use while, after, until presupposition
(just like VAP) to hide requests.
e.g. while you do X, I'll do Y.
even better - while you do X, would you like me to do Y or Z?
(allows "illusion of choice" - by telling person to do Y or Z, you have implicitly agreed to do X...)

Problem for AME male - conversation is viewed as sport or combat. this makes trust and intimacy talk difficult. Men, in effect, tend to say "will you respect me after linguistic intimacy?"

A clue for the ladies - think of the men as "reluctant maidens"

1. Be satisfied with a little at first
2. Don't chase
3. Treat it seriously
4. Don't betray
5. Be gentle

<NOTE: 13 Ways to Stifle Intimacy will be presented in full at a later date.>

12. Semantic Mapping

One method for "checking" semantic terms - semantic mapping

1. write the word in the middle of a page
2. in one color, write words or phrases the word makes you think of around it. use circles and lines to connect up related stuff.
3. in another color, write words or phrases each of the words or phrases that came out of 2. again, use circles and lines to connect up related stuff.
4. compare this map with that of the other person

<NOTE: The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense: An Overview will be presented in full at a later date.>

These are some of the tools described. Please take the time to read this book - it may help your writing, and probably will help your life. Either way, it will be worth it.