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mbarker.livejournal.comOriginal posting Sat, 30 Oct 1993 18:00:07 JST
Guidelines to Prevent Sexual Harassment Problems
In case you're wondering, this is NOT directly relevant to writing. I hope it may provide some background and useful information for us all.
Whether you agree with these guidelines or not, I hope you'll take the time to read and think about them. The "war between the sexes" is being fought every day - and we all lose because of it.
This is an excerpt of p. 212-215 from the book:
GENDERSPEAK: Men, Women, and the Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense
Suzette Haden Elgin, Ph.D.
John Wiley and Sons, Inc. 1993
Dr. Elgin has given permission for me to copy this for our workshop.
(note: AME - American, Middle-Class, English)
----------------------------------------------------
What to Do About It - Basic Guidelines
The guidelines below are intended to help you prevent sexual harassment problems in typical workplace situations and in business and professional environments. They are also recommended for social situations that are business-related. They don't include procedures for making formal complaints after a sexual harassment incident has already occurred; those procedures will vary from place to place, according to company policy and applicable legal constraints.
Basic Guidelines for Men
Let's begin by assuming that you have no intention of sexually harassing women in your workplace, or of being _perceived_ by them as doing so. Let's also assume that you'd like to be able to have friendly relationships with those women. In that case, I suggest the following:
1. Use all the _Gentle Art_ techniques described in this book, to build trust and rapport between you and the women you talk with. So that if they're not sure about your meaning, or you're not sure about theirs, both of you will feel _safe_ asking for an explanation. So that if they're puzzled about your intentions, they will be willing to give you the benefit of the doubt. And so that they won't feel any necessity to communicate with you other than honestly.
2. Pay attention - very close attention - to the body language of women as you talk with them. Listen carefully to what they say and how they say it. Drop the rule about looking only at the face, if it's part of your grammar. Some common signs that listeners who are speakers of AME are feeling uneasy with you include:
3. If you ask a woman in your workplace to go out with you, say a few preliminary sentences first, so she doesn't feel leaped at. If she says no, say "I'm sorry to hear you say no. Is it all right if I ask you again another time?" If she says no, it's not all right, don't ask her why - and don't ask her out again. Strategies that are appropriate for singles bars are going to be perceived as harassment by most women in a work situation.
4. Don't compliment a woman on her physical appearance, her clothing, or her hairdo. This doesn't mean it's morally wrong to offer such compliments, or that women aren't often very happy to hear them. It's simply common sense. This is an area where people's perceptions of what is appropriate differ drastically and opportunities for misunderstanding are abundant- it's like playing ball in a minefield. If you want to compliment a woman at work, compliment her _on_ her work. Say, "I enjoyed your talk" or "I thought you made an excellent point in that meeting" or "I wish I could make a hamburger as well as you do" or "I was impressed with the way you handled that sale" or just "You do good work."
5. Don't use obscenities or sexual vocabulary around the women you work with. Don't tell dirty jokes around them. Don't tell them about your sexual problems or experiences. Don't brag about your sexual abilities. Period.
6. Don't _tease_ women. I'm not talking about sexual teasing, but the sort of teasing little boys do toward little girls. Adult women don't think it's funny, and it's one of the quickest ways to destroy trust and start trouble. It will make it very hard for you to use "I was only kidding" as an excuse when you really _need_ it as an excuse.
7. When it's clear to you that you've offended a woman, even when you're certain the offense is an error of perceptions on her part, apologize at once. Say, "I think I've offended you. I had no intention of doing so, and I'm sorry."
8. When a woman tries to explain to you _why_ something you said or did - or someone else said or did - is offensive, make an effort to listen and understand. _For her to make the effort to explain_ is a compliment.
9. Keep your hands to yourself.
10. Read the section for women, below.
You may be afraid that following these guidelines will turn you into a wimp; the very idea of following them may be offensive to _you._ Many men feel that observing such rules makes a pleasant work environment impossible, and that they interfere with business performance. They may be right. But until mutual trust between men and women at work can be reestablished, these guidelines are necessary, and as long as you follow them you are unlikely to find yourself facing sexual harassment charges.
Basic Guidelines for Women
Let's assume you'd like to maintain friendly relations with the men at your workplace, that you have no intention of sexually harassing them, and that you have no desire to have them terrified that you will interpret their every word as an attempted pass. Then I suggest the following:
1. Follow the guidelines for men listed above, making the necessary changes of "woman" to "man," "she" to "he," and vice versa. They are appropriate for both sexes.
3. When something a man says to you (or says in your hearing) offends you, but does not seem _intended_ to offend, tell him about it. But don't tell him in front of other people if it can be avoided. (Unless you feel unsafe alone with him, in which case you should take one other person with you as witness when you talk to him.) Tell him how you feel about what he said - _without trying to raise his consciousness, educate him, or improve his morals._ It's important to remember that your goal here is to change his behaviour - consciousness-raising is a separate task. You can't do both at once. Just say, "When you say [X], it offends me. Please don't do it again." If he wants to discuss it with you - and his body language tells you that he really does want to discuss it, as opposed to wanting to fight with you or escalate the sexual language - make an effort to do that. People resent having to censor their behavior on someone else's orders; if the order makes sense to them, the resentment will be less.
3. When you must refuse a man's courteous request to go out with him, or to be otherwise personally involved with him, do it as clearly and as politely as possible- and _without making him lose face._ Shaming a man is foolish. Shaming will make him determined to get your agreement no matter how long it takes, just to prove that you can't say no to him. Shaming will make him hostile and angry; he'll take that out on you at the first opportunity, or he'll take it out on someone else, or both. Don't contaminate your language environment unnecessarily.
4. Telling a man you don't want him to say "tits" around you - or whatever - is all right. Tell him the words offend you; tell him that they distract you from your work; tell him that they're likely to cause you to misunderstand him and misjudge him at other times. But remember that there's nothing wrong with any word, in itself. Words aren't dirty; words aren't insulting; words aren't hurtful. It is the human voice saying them, and the body language being used with them, that makes them dirty or insulting or hurtful. If it's clear to you that the man who said the words didn't intend them to offend, give him credit for that.
5. When a man clearly _does_ intend to offend you with his words or behavior, object _immediately._ Be firm and be brief; just say "That's offensive to me. I know I can count on you not to do it/say it again." And then change the subject, firmly and immediately.
Guidelines to Prevent Sexual Harassment Problems
In case you're wondering, this is NOT directly relevant to writing. I hope it may provide some background and useful information for us all.
Whether you agree with these guidelines or not, I hope you'll take the time to read and think about them. The "war between the sexes" is being fought every day - and we all lose because of it.
This is an excerpt of p. 212-215 from the book:
GENDERSPEAK: Men, Women, and the Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense
Suzette Haden Elgin, Ph.D.
John Wiley and Sons, Inc. 1993
Dr. Elgin has given permission for me to copy this for our workshop.
(note: AME - American, Middle-Class, English)
----------------------------------------------------
What to Do About It - Basic Guidelines
The guidelines below are intended to help you prevent sexual harassment problems in typical workplace situations and in business and professional environments. They are also recommended for social situations that are business-related. They don't include procedures for making formal complaints after a sexual harassment incident has already occurred; those procedures will vary from place to place, according to company policy and applicable legal constraints.
Basic Guidelines for Men
Let's begin by assuming that you have no intention of sexually harassing women in your workplace, or of being _perceived_ by them as doing so. Let's also assume that you'd like to be able to have friendly relationships with those women. In that case, I suggest the following:
1. Use all the _Gentle Art_ techniques described in this book, to build trust and rapport between you and the women you talk with. So that if they're not sure about your meaning, or you're not sure about theirs, both of you will feel _safe_ asking for an explanation. So that if they're puzzled about your intentions, they will be willing to give you the benefit of the doubt. And so that they won't feel any necessity to communicate with you other than honestly.
2. Pay attention - very close attention - to the body language of women as you talk with them. Listen carefully to what they say and how they say it. Drop the rule about looking only at the face, if it's part of your grammar. Some common signs that listeners who are speakers of AME are feeling uneasy with you include:
- Clenching the fists, or opening and closing the hands repeatedly; or attempting to hide the hands from sight.
- A trembling voice; or hands (or any other part of the body) that are obviously trembling or shaking.
- Eyelids blinking more rapidly than you know they would in casual conversation.
- Refusal to make eye contact with you, even when you make an obvious effort to initiate it.
- Biting the lips; or holding the lower lip with the teeth.
- Pale or flushed skin; or a forehead or hands that are damp with perspiration not explained by heat in the environment.
- Voice pitch that changes significantly from the pitch you know they maintain in casual conversation.
3. If you ask a woman in your workplace to go out with you, say a few preliminary sentences first, so she doesn't feel leaped at. If she says no, say "I'm sorry to hear you say no. Is it all right if I ask you again another time?" If she says no, it's not all right, don't ask her why - and don't ask her out again. Strategies that are appropriate for singles bars are going to be perceived as harassment by most women in a work situation.
4. Don't compliment a woman on her physical appearance, her clothing, or her hairdo. This doesn't mean it's morally wrong to offer such compliments, or that women aren't often very happy to hear them. It's simply common sense. This is an area where people's perceptions of what is appropriate differ drastically and opportunities for misunderstanding are abundant- it's like playing ball in a minefield. If you want to compliment a woman at work, compliment her _on_ her work. Say, "I enjoyed your talk" or "I thought you made an excellent point in that meeting" or "I wish I could make a hamburger as well as you do" or "I was impressed with the way you handled that sale" or just "You do good work."
5. Don't use obscenities or sexual vocabulary around the women you work with. Don't tell dirty jokes around them. Don't tell them about your sexual problems or experiences. Don't brag about your sexual abilities. Period.
6. Don't _tease_ women. I'm not talking about sexual teasing, but the sort of teasing little boys do toward little girls. Adult women don't think it's funny, and it's one of the quickest ways to destroy trust and start trouble. It will make it very hard for you to use "I was only kidding" as an excuse when you really _need_ it as an excuse.
7. When it's clear to you that you've offended a woman, even when you're certain the offense is an error of perceptions on her part, apologize at once. Say, "I think I've offended you. I had no intention of doing so, and I'm sorry."
8. When a woman tries to explain to you _why_ something you said or did - or someone else said or did - is offensive, make an effort to listen and understand. _For her to make the effort to explain_ is a compliment.
9. Keep your hands to yourself.
10. Read the section for women, below.
You may be afraid that following these guidelines will turn you into a wimp; the very idea of following them may be offensive to _you._ Many men feel that observing such rules makes a pleasant work environment impossible, and that they interfere with business performance. They may be right. But until mutual trust between men and women at work can be reestablished, these guidelines are necessary, and as long as you follow them you are unlikely to find yourself facing sexual harassment charges.
Basic Guidelines for Women
Let's assume you'd like to maintain friendly relations with the men at your workplace, that you have no intention of sexually harassing them, and that you have no desire to have them terrified that you will interpret their every word as an attempted pass. Then I suggest the following:
1. Follow the guidelines for men listed above, making the necessary changes of "woman" to "man," "she" to "he," and vice versa. They are appropriate for both sexes.
3. When something a man says to you (or says in your hearing) offends you, but does not seem _intended_ to offend, tell him about it. But don't tell him in front of other people if it can be avoided. (Unless you feel unsafe alone with him, in which case you should take one other person with you as witness when you talk to him.) Tell him how you feel about what he said - _without trying to raise his consciousness, educate him, or improve his morals._ It's important to remember that your goal here is to change his behaviour - consciousness-raising is a separate task. You can't do both at once. Just say, "When you say [X], it offends me. Please don't do it again." If he wants to discuss it with you - and his body language tells you that he really does want to discuss it, as opposed to wanting to fight with you or escalate the sexual language - make an effort to do that. People resent having to censor their behavior on someone else's orders; if the order makes sense to them, the resentment will be less.
3. When you must refuse a man's courteous request to go out with him, or to be otherwise personally involved with him, do it as clearly and as politely as possible- and _without making him lose face._ Shaming a man is foolish. Shaming will make him determined to get your agreement no matter how long it takes, just to prove that you can't say no to him. Shaming will make him hostile and angry; he'll take that out on you at the first opportunity, or he'll take it out on someone else, or both. Don't contaminate your language environment unnecessarily.
4. Telling a man you don't want him to say "tits" around you - or whatever - is all right. Tell him the words offend you; tell him that they distract you from your work; tell him that they're likely to cause you to misunderstand him and misjudge him at other times. But remember that there's nothing wrong with any word, in itself. Words aren't dirty; words aren't insulting; words aren't hurtful. It is the human voice saying them, and the body language being used with them, that makes them dirty or insulting or hurtful. If it's clear to you that the man who said the words didn't intend them to offend, give him credit for that.
5. When a man clearly _does_ intend to offend you with his words or behavior, object _immediately._ Be firm and be brief; just say "That's offensive to me. I know I can count on you not to do it/say it again." And then change the subject, firmly and immediately.
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