Exercise: rewriting lean and mean?

[mbarker.livejournal.com]

Here is Nancy Kress's revised version. What do you think? How did you revise it?

Jane staggered into the bathroom and splashed cold water on her eyes. Last night, Barry had insisted on buying her martinis -- way too many martinis. Appalled, Jane peered into the mirror. Blood-shot eyes, pasty skin -- she looked like a burned-over forest. Maybe she should take something. Aspirin? Valium? Cyanide? Nothing would help this. "Oh, shit."

There you go!

So what happens next with Jane and Barry, anyway?