TECH: Intruder Alert

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Original posting 22 April 2009

Viewpoint Intruders

Writer's Digest, April 2006, pages 48 and 73, have an article by Kristen Johnson Ingram with the title, "The Intruder." The problem here is that we often remind the reader of the point-of-view character -- breaking the reader's flow. Whenever a character sees something, notices something, steps back and reminds the reader that they are observing -- that's a viewpoint intrusion. And it reminds the reader that someone is writing, and that this is an artificial construct. Not good.

Let's start with an example from the article:

"Sally sits at a table in the restaurant, hoping her boyfriend, Jeremy, won't be late again. She notices the waiter looks tired. She turns to see a pair of Japanese men talking quietly in a booth near the corner. She watches as a baby in a high chair flings a spoonful of rice onto the carpet and sees the waiter sigh."

Sally keeps getting in between the reader and what's going on. So how do you avoid viewpoint intrusions?

First, watch for "notice." Or noticed, the past tense. In first or third person, don't notice things -- they just are. Don't look at something, see it. Remove that layer of perception. So instead of, "I looked over at Ginny propped up on the bed." Try, "Ginny was propped up on the bed."

Second, sensory impressions are great, but imply the viewpoint character instead of telling us about him. "He could smell fried chicken" can turn into "The aroma of fried chicken..."

Third, watch out for flashbacks. Adverbial phrases, I remember, and other reminders that the viewpoint character is experiencing or remembering things can be rewritten.

Fourth, keep your eye out for them. First person writing all too often includes plenty of viewpoint intrusions. Certainly, when I write in first person, I experience things. But I don't have to keep telling myself that I'm doing it. Once you start watching something, let it do things on its own. You don't have to keep looking at it.

Okay? It's kind of a subtle point. It's balancing the viewpoint character with showing and experiencing things directly. Let the reader see/hear/feel without reminding them that there's a camera in the middle.

Exercise? Take that work in progress and look closely at a scene. Do you have viewpoint intrusions? Can you reduce them? This is revision work.

You might also try revising that first example. Go ahead. How would you apply the lessons here?

Here's how Kristen rewrote that first example:

"Sally sits at a table in the restaurant, hoping her boyfriend, Jeremy, won't be late again. The waiter looks tired. A pair of Japanese men talk quietly in a booth near the corner. A baby in a high chair flings a spoonful of rice onto the carpet, and the waiter sighs."

Some other examples for rewriting include:

"The others were laughing and talking as they sat down at the table. As Kirk reached across the table for the bread, he noticed his hands. His fingers were long and brown, and he noticed how the light gleamed on his wedding ring."

"I looked over at Ginny propped up on the hospital bed. I could see her bright smile, but I knew she was in pain."

"Rob opened the door. He could smell fried chicken and onions, and he heard the butter crackling in the skillet. His mouth watered from hunger."

"I remember that when I was five, I used to hide from my father in the linen closet. I crawled under an old lavender quilt on the floor, and I could hear his angry footsteps."

"As I stopped in front of the old house, my mind reeled back to how hard it rained the day Jim shot me."

"I took a break at a retreat in northern Idaho. I walked outside and sat on a log, where I watched a fat honeybee roving around a big blue pasque flower. I could see her tasting its petals, and I heard her buzzing around the opening. As I watched, she drew back and literally hurled herself at the flower's center."

Feel free to rewrite those. (Fair warning -- I'll post the suggested rewrites later)
Or rewrite some of your own work?

Comments

TECH: Intruder Alert (Revised)

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original posting 24 April 2009

Viewpoint Intruders (Revisions)

Writer's Digest, April 2006, pages 48 and 73, have an article by Kristen Johnson
Ingram with the title, "The Intruder." Some other examples for rewriting
include:

Original version:

"The others were laughing and talking as they sat down at the table. As Kirk
reached across the table for the bread, he noticed his hands. His fingers were
long and brown, and he noticed how the light gleamed on his wedding ring."

Revised version:

"Kirk reached across the table for the bread. His fingers were long and brown,
and light gleamed on his wedding ring."

Original version:

"I looked over at Ginny propped up on the hospital bed. I could see her bright
smile, but I knew she was in pain."

Revised version:

"Ginny was propped up in the bed. She was smiling, but I knew she was in pain."

Or "Ginny was propped up in the bed, smiling in spite of her pain."

Original version:

"Rob opened the door. He could smell fried chicken and onions, and he heard the
butter crackling in the skillet. His mouth watered from hunger."

Revised version:

"Rob opened the door. The aroma of fried chicken crackling in the skillet with
onion slices made his mouth water."

Original version:

"I remember that when I was five, I used to hide from my father in the linen
closet. I crawled under an old lavender quilt on the floor, and I could hear
his angry footsteps."

Revised version:

"When I was five, I used to hide under an old lavender quilt in the linen
closet, listening to my father's angry footsteps."

Original version:

"As I stopped in front of the old house, my mind reeled back to how hard it
rained the day Jim shot me."

Revised version:

"I stopped in front of the old house. Rain had fallen in torrents on the day Jim
shot me."

Original version:

"I took a break at a retreat in northern Idaho. I walked outside and sat on a
log, where I watched a fat honeybee roving around a big blue pasque flower. I
could see her tasting its petals, and I heard her buzzing around the opening.
As I watched, she drew back and literally hurled herself at the flower's
center."

Revised version:

"During an afternoon break at a retreat in northern Idaho, I sat on a law and
watched a fat honeybee roving around a big blue pasque flower. She tasted its
petals, snuffled at the opening, and then drew back and hurled herself at the
flower's center."

What you think? Are the revised versions better than the originals?