The Place For My Writers Notes

Original posting 24 April 2009

Viewpoint Intruders (Revisions)

Writer's Digest, April 2006, pages 48 and 73, have an article by Kristen Johnson Ingram with the title, "The Intruder." Some other examples for rewriting include:

Original version:

"The others were laughing and talking as they sat down at the table. As Kirk reached across the table for the bread, he noticed his hands. His fingers were long and brown, and he noticed how the light gleamed on his wedding ring."

Revised version:

"Kirk reached across the table for the bread. His fingers were long and brown, and light gleamed on his wedding ring."

Original version:

"I looked over at Ginny propped up on the hospital bed. I could see her bright smile, but I knew she was in pain."

Revised version:

"Ginny was propped up in the bed. She was smiling, but I knew she was in pain."

Or "Ginny was propped up in the bed, smiling in spite of her pain."

Original version:

"Rob opened the door. He could smell fried chicken and onions, and he heard the butter crackling in the skillet. His mouth watered from hunger."

Revised version:

"Rob opened the door. The aroma of fried chicken crackling in the skillet with onion slices made his mouth water."

Original version:

"I remember that when I was five, I used to hide from my father in the linen closet. I crawled under an old lavender quilt on the floor, and I could hear his angry footsteps."

Revised version:

"When I was five, I used to hide under an old lavender quilt in the linen closet, listening to my father's angry footsteps."

Original version:

"As I stopped in front of the old house, my mind reeled back to how hard it rained the day Jim shot me."

Revised version:

"I stopped in front of the old house. Rain had fallen in torrents on the day Jim shot me."

Original version:

"I took a break at a retreat in northern Idaho. I walked outside and sat on a log, where I watched a fat honeybee roving around a big blue pasque flower. I could see her tasting its petals, and I heard her buzzing around the opening. As I watched, she drew back and literally hurled herself at the flower's center."

Revised version:

"During an afternoon break at a retreat in northern Idaho, I sat on a law and watched a fat honeybee roving around a big blue pasque flower. She tasted its petals, snuffled at the opening, and then drew back and hurled herself at the flower's center."

What you think? Are the revised versions better than the originals?